Triggers Aren’t Bad Behavior — They’re Old Stories
Updated: Sep 24
Welcome to Mamahood After Trauma, a space created to support mothers as they heal from trauma, break generational cycles, and discover healthier ways of showing up for themselves and their families. Here, you’ll find honest conversations, practical tools, and encouragement to remind you that healing is possible, one step at a time.
Introduction
Triggers can make ordinary parenting moments feel much bigger than they actually are. A child’s tone of voice, emotions, behavior, or need for independence can sometimes activate feelings connected to experiences from your own past, leaving you reacting to more than what is happening in front of you.
In this blog, we’ll explore what triggers are, how to recognize the stories and emotions beneath them, and practical ways to separate past experiences from the present. We’ll also look at regulation, repair, and how greater awareness can help you respond to difficult moments with more intention and compassion.
Table of Contents
What Are Triggers?
Why Triggers Don’t Make You a Bad Mother
The Stories Beneath the Surface
Separating Then from Now
A Practical Process for Navigating Triggers
The Role of Repair and Regulation
Your Child Is Not Responsible for Your Triggers
Changing the Story: The Path to Healing
A Reflective Exercise for Healing
Final Thoughts: Progress, Not Perfection
What Are Triggers?
A trigger is something in the present that activates a response connected to something in your past. Your body may respond as though it recognizes something familiar, even when the current situation is different.
Triggers can be:
A sound, tone of voice, or facial expression
A behavior or situation
A feeling or dynamic
Example Scenarios:
Your child rolls their eyes, and you feel a surge of anger.
Your child ignores you, and you feel deeply disrespected.
Your child cries, and you feel desperate to make it stop.
Your child says, “I hate you,” and you’re flooded with panic.
Key Insight:
The behavior is happening now, but the meaning you attach to it may be connected to experiences from much earlier in your life.
Why Triggers Don’t Make You a Bad Mother
One of the most damaging beliefs is that being triggered means you’re failing as a parent. Instead, triggers can provide information about what is happening within you.
Understanding is not excusing: Knowing why you react doesn’t excuse harmful behavior, but it can give you greater awareness of what you want to change.
Responsibility and compassion: You are responsible for your actions, but you can hold that responsibility with self-compassion rather than shame.
Healthy Self-Talk:
“My trauma is influencing me, and I’m still responsible for what I do with that.”
The Stories Beneath the Surface
When you’re triggered, you may not be reacting only to your child’s behavior—you may also be reacting to the story you’ve attached to that behavior, often rooted in your own experiences.
Common Stories:
“I’m being disrespected.”
“I don’t matter.”
“I’m unsafe.”
“I’m being abandoned.”
“I’m failing.”
“Everything is out of control.”
Actionable Tip:
Ask yourself, “What am I making this mean?” This question can help you separate your child’s behavior from the story you’re telling yourself about what it means.
Separating Then from Now
Past experiences can sometimes make something happening in the present feel connected to what happened before.
Practice:
Ask yourself, “How old do I feel right now?”
This can help you become curious about whether the intensity of your reaction is connected only to the present moment or whether something from your past may also be influencing it.
Mantra:
“This feeling belongs to me, but it may not belong to this moment.”
A Practical Process for Navigating Triggers
Here’s a step-by-step process to help you move from reaction to response:
1. Notice
Simply say to yourself, “I’m triggered.”
Name it without judgment or shame.
2. Separate Facts from Story
Ask, “What actually happened?” Stick to the facts.
Then ask, “What am I making this mean?” Identify the story.
3. Identify the Feeling
What emotion are you experiencing—anger, fear, shame, grief, or something else?
Consider whether there may be another emotion underneath your initial reaction.
4. Ask Where You’ve Felt This Before
Ask yourself, “When have I felt this feeling before?”
Don’t force an answer—just get curious.
5. Remind Yourself of the Present
“This is now.”
“My child is not the person who hurt me.”
“I have choices in how I respond.”
6. Choose Your Next Action
You don’t need to find the perfect response. Focus on your next step.
Pause, set a boundary, take some space when appropriate, reconnect, or repair.
Pro Tip:
The goal isn’t necessarily to never experience a trigger again. Building enough awareness to notice what is happening can give you more space to choose how you respond.
The Role of Repair and Regulation
Sometimes, you won’t catch the trigger before reacting. You might yell or become overwhelmed. In those moments:
Prioritize safety: Step away if you can do so safely.
Regulate first, repair later: Give yourself time to settle before trying to resolve the situation.
Repair: Come back, take responsibility, apologize when appropriate, and reconnect when you’re ready.
Important Distinction:
Walking away to regulate is different from withdrawing to punish. When appropriate, communicate that you need some time and that you will return to the conversation.
Your Child Is Not Responsible for Your Triggers
Your child’s job is not to manage your emotional state. They don’t need to:
Change their behavior so you never feel uncomfortable
Stop having emotions so you can stay regulated
Make themselves smaller or more compliant to avoid activating your wounds
This is your work, not theirs.
One empowering reminder is: “This reaction belongs to me. I get to decide what I do with it.”
Changing the Story: The Path to Healing
Trauma and difficult past experiences can shape beliefs such as:
“If someone is angry with me, I’m unsafe.”
“If I don’t control everything, something bad will happen.”
“My needs are a burden.”
Changing these patterns can involve:
Noticing the old story
Practicing new responses
Recognizing when the present situation is different from the past
Example:
If your child is angry and your old story is “anger means danger,” pause and remind yourself that this moment is different from the experiences that originally shaped that belief. Over time, practicing new responses can help you relate differently to similar situations.
A Reflective Exercise for Healing
The next time you have a big reaction, write down:
What happened? Just the facts.
What did I feel? Name the emotion.
What did I make it mean? What’s the story?
Where have I felt this before?
Then ask:
“What would I do differently if I knew this moment was safe?”
This question can help you consider the response you want to give beneath the fear, emotions, and old stories influencing the moment.
Final Thoughts: Progress, Not Perfection
You don’t have to have everything figured out before you can begin parenting differently. Awareness, reflection, repair, and learning can happen while you parent.
You can experience triggers and continue growing as a mother.
You can have a history of trauma and still build healthier patterns.
You can struggle and continue making different choices.
The goal isn’t perfection—it’s greater awareness, presence, and a willingness to choose differently when you can.
Your triggers do not have to define you. They can instead become opportunities to notice what needs attention, understand yourself more deeply, and practice responding to the present rather than automatically reacting from the past.
Resources
Emily Cleghorn’s Free Quiz: “Find Your Next Step to Calm and Healing”.
If you’re a mama healing from trauma and seeking a new way forward, remember: You deserve support, your child deserves joy, and together, you can break cycles and build a brighter future.
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